I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
