I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
