Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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