No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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