I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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