my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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