so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
