He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
