Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
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And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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