Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
