got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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