So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
