Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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