the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
