Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
