She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
