it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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