She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
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Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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