It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
