Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
