My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
