I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
