SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
