I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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