Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
