He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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