This dress was meant to end up on your floor
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There's always time for handjobs
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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