I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
