I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
