Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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