I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
