I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I will be naked everywhere
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
