While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You are the jesus of drinking
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
