at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
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Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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