fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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