hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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