She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
