Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
