My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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