The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
