I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW