My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you had me at cake vodka
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent