I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think this conversation is over.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.