She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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