The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
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Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.