the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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