in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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