I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
