Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
