he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
