You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
