The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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