I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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