I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
