if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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