Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
