Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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