On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
