When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
