mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
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Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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