it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
